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Da Great and Mighty Muffin!!!

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talking person am I. Sep. 4th, 2004 @ 11:28 pm
it's been a long time hasn't it? no excuses...just facts - life is the unwholesomeness right now. I am very tired - emotionally, physically and spritually. most friends have either retreated into their lives or are wrapped up in troubles of their own - or worse...both. things in my life...once ordered - now very....very....chaotic. BAD chaotic. misunderstandings and miscommunication surrounds me like locusts...the Sword of Damocles has transformed into an H-Bomb. Nothing has been right in my family for a long time...and yet it's threatening to get even more twisted and violent. EVERYTHING IS WRONG. and yet...there's no razor blade in my hand...no gun to my head...no oversized bottle of sleeping pills on my desk. I haven't taken what money I have and gone on a one way trip to anywhere but here...EVERYTHING HURTS RIGHT NOW. but here I am...trying still to work everything out...trying to put everything right...WHY???? why am I not giving up on my friends, my family....MYSELF??? I just don't get it...every fibre of my being is telling me to RUN! (no one will care...no one will notice...will they?) it hurts just to get up these days...and yet...I do. WHY CAN'T I JUST GO? SOMEWHERE ELSE...??? and I can see something - and there are those who DO care...I won't name names...these angels know who they are....and I can't leave that behind. right? yet people have abandoned me for nothing more than giving a damn...that pain never seems to go away...when my dreams are losing luster in my eyes...because I can't share them with anybody anymore...IT'S ALMOST TOO MUCH. almost.
Current Mood: distresseddistressed
Current Music: The Day The World Went Away - NIN

mooosic. Sep. 4th, 2004 @ 11:26 pm
You like any and every thing and you don't like to
be confined into one label. You don't care what
people think about your life style or your
music taste. Because of your broad musical
taste, a lot of people may have confused you as
a poser at first but when they get to know you,
they're always suprised by how much you
actually know. You don't go out of your way to
look difffernt or to dress like the bands you
like, you rather wear what's comfortable and
what you like, rather then what others like.
You live the most open minded music life style
out of all of them.

What rock life style do you live?
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Current Mood: draineddrained
Current Music: Who Can You Trust? - Morcheeba

odd...? Aug. 9th, 2004 @ 12:43 am
I just noticed this earlier today...someone I don't know...added my journal on his friends list without asking me...should I be angry? it just feels like some kind of personal advertisment....especially when I hopped on to his site and find various pleas to buy his homemade films. since he has heavy goth interests - I'm guessing he found me though my org listings or keyword...but why would you add someone without their permission? he seems very cool - I just wish he would have ASKED first....
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
Current Music: Boxcar Racer - I feel so...

limbo Aug. 8th, 2004 @ 03:51 pm
no no....not the contest where you can see how low you can go....nope...what I'm speaking of is that area where nothing makes sense - no rhyme or reason to the events happening around you - a state of utter confusion and frustration. Things have not been going well in the Tony camp...both friends and family have been having a rough time of it as well...that combined with the current state of affairs in my own existence...is distressing to say the least. This is gonna seem very egocentric and quite "It's A Wonderful Life" kind of crazy....but maybe my current crappy luck and my reactions to said crap...are indirectly affecting others in my life? I don't know...but if that was the case - then I'd be directly responsible for them as well as myself....terrifying. but...I've always been taught that everyone's responsible for their own path....that if someone's affecting your life in some profound way...it's only because YOU let that person do so. I just don't know...what's goin on.
Current Mood: distresseddistressed
Current Music: Kate Bush - Deeper Understanding

I just don't understand... Jul. 30th, 2004 @ 02:15 am
I don't know where to start...it's like getting smacked with an anchovy the 1st day...a goldfish the second...by the 10th day you're getting assaulted with salmon and catfish...it's the 30th day...I'm keeping a wary eye out for the whale. Seriously though...it's been my own lil piece of Hell of late...and I'm thinking my meager efforts at damage control and positive thinking just aint gonna do it...? It's like someone set off a karma bomb right in my spiritual center - and I'm all good and shattered...this is not a new metaphor for me...I've put myself together too many times by now...I'm just frickin tired. Angry is better than depressed...but I can't maintain righteous indignation for too long - it just wears me out. Plus I get really blinded to honestly kind folks in all that Akashic rage...pushing them away or worse lashing out at them. I'm not in a good place right now - and it's taking all of my self control not to utterly lose it with some folks. I've given up on a few folks in my life who were just plain bad for me to be around...and recently I've added one more to that list...I hate giving up on anyone....and it just feels like pain when I have to do that. My clarity and focus - my sense of purpose is all clouded and out of balance...and it's chaos that I can't make any sense of...DAMN!!! I used to be so good at seeing the patterns - finding clarity and beauty where no one else could see it...why have I lost my sight??? I'm better than anyone I know in seeing the cycles and the structures that folks put up all around me...and I used to be able to forge a path from this knowledge...but these days...I just feel like it's all exploding in my face...WHY????
Current Mood: confusedconfused
Current Music: Loretta Young Silks - Sneaker Pimps
Other entries
» Big Bird
you know...when I was a kid - about 3 or 4 yrs of age....I got a Big Bird stuffed doll...I loved that doll...took it everywhere with me...the wear and tear made it ratty and worn - despite - or perhaps because of....the many washings...and the eyes fell off...so my grandmother sewed on yarn eyes....I still loved that ratty ol' thing...then my family thought I was big enough to hit...maybe I was about 5 or 6 by that time...but I found no joy in that precious doll any longer...it was easier to shut down...and not feel any of the horror of my situation.

Life's been not of the happy variety of late...but I can't stop feeling...not any more....too much of my life has been passed in denial of everything that has happened in my existence. Yet...I'm 33 now....and I still feel like it's just gonna wash me away...leaving nothing behind...just haven't got a clue as to what I should do next.

you know WHY I loved that ratty old thing? it made me feel safe...and even then...I knew...there was something I needed protection from...

just something I needed to say...keeping too much in these days...can't do that - it hurts too much.
» too true....
Month: Day: Year:

I am The Wheel of Fortune

The Wheel of Fortune represents unexpected encounters and twists of fate. You can't predict surprises; you can only be aware when one is circling around. Indeed, Card 10 often suggests wheel-like actions - changes in direction, repeating cycles and rapid movement. When the energy of the Wheel arrives, you will feel life speed up. You are caught in a cyclone that may deposit you anywhere. "Round and round and round she goes, and where she stops, nobody knows."
» (No Subject)
You are house!
You are house!

What kind of techno music are you?
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» finding a way home...
I'm tired of apologizing that I have feelings - and I'm tired of being sorry for giving a damn about others. I can only play these games for so long....before people have to actually have to freakin take off the masks...(not that that sort of thing really fools me anyway...usually.) Of course - when someone fools me completely - just enrages me to no end - I figure I missed the cues - in some naive hope that what I was seeing inside that person was only surface crap masking a decent soul. I don't claim to understand what motivates someone to be THAT deceptive...or just plain evil....but I try to move on every time I have to deal with that sort of individual.

My life up to now has been a series of experiences - some good....a whole lot BAD...that have shaped my psyche and will into what I am today. Everything is a potential learning experience - this I understand intimately...but sometimes learning experiences just plain SUCK. I am - as I have stated several times over - in a decent place in my life...I have made things happen to advance me further than I have been in a long time. So, while my life is no bed of roses...it's no landfill of the damned either. It's just that lately...it feels as if I'm being tested like never before...and it feels horrible...I want to just run away...go home...where I will be safe.

Have I ever talked about my concept of home? Not here at least....for the sake of brevity - I'll try to keep my theory short and sweet. To me...home is the place where you feel safe and happy...where you can just CHILL. Not simply a sanctuary but a realm where you are always loved...you are always someone's fox. You bring someone here...because they can be trusted - because they are your friend...not an aquaintance...not a well wisher...a FRIEND.

that's all I feel like writing for now...more later.
» shivery wiggins-o-rama
just trying to figure this life out - it just doesn't serve me to have too much on my mind during this break - but I can't stop feeling all dready and such - and I've gotten some pretty wicked bad mojo feelins of late.....I need a goddess of mercy influence and a remover of mental and physical obstacles in my corner. Yeesh! I just feel like I'm gonna leap out of my skin here!!! and the flakes in my life have been ESPECIALLY unreliable and frustrating of late.....YOW!!!
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